Forgive me if I’ve been gone for a long time. I’ve been busy doing a lot of stuffs that got piled up, even taller than my 5’3″ frame. And to tell you honestly, what made these stuffs even harder for me to do is because I’ve been depressed – depressed because it seemed that i can’t do anything right.
And so my blog was in hiatus, it actually made me stress a lot more because i can’t think of something to write, my work, my thoughts, my brain, everything was in complete blank. But today, I’m tired of being in this phase. If there are things that i have to, might as well get it over with right?
What made me hanging there really is a blur. But one thing is for sure, the stress that I’m feeling really kills me. I think i totally mastered the art of stressing myself! And it definitely, totally, absolutely sucks! I hate it when people expect me to be the person they want me to be, and i can’t do it. No matter how much i try to do everything i can, i totally felt that I’m just messing things up. No, I’m not trying to please them, nor was i doing it because they expect me to do so, but because i too really want it myself, and what made me depressed is that it seemed as though i can’t. And what made me hate myself in this stressful moments is that i kept on doubting my own abilities. Always asking myself if i can do this and that? If i can be the person they expect me too? if i can do better? the ifs that even makes it harder. Suddenly, the little ms. ray of sunshine that i know turned out to be in a calamity situation. I was stressing so hard that i don’t even know what i can do and can’t, that left me doing nothing to help.
I know that there are things i can’t do, things that i actually suck, things that i totally mess up, but there are things that i can still do right? Maybe what made feel so small in this instant is that i looked at myself that way. What made me doubt myself is that i never believed that i can. But this time, no more. A lot of high hopes are waiting for me, I’m not the greatest writer, or the greatest student for now, but I will be. I’m never giving up on my abilities, on myself. I’m never going to doubt what i can do. Because all this time that i’ve been doing so, i found myself shattered. But today, I’m starting to pick up the pieces.
I’m struggling to win, and it’s harder than what i have imagined. But when you love something real bad, that’s when you feel pain and keep on going to surpass. I missed my blog, I missed myself, and here i am again, still coming back.
Ms. little ray of sunshine is waiting to get back on track. It was raining for weeks in my life, but at least, i found my pockets full of light.