On this day God wants you to know…
You’ve carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You’ve kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has to come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal.
This is what I received today… well not from God literally, but from my facebook account and an application I have. But what do you know, it must have been faith or something? Or maybe like divine intervention? LOL I’m exactly clueless, but indeed I am thankful.
As I came to realize that 2009 is nearing its end, I have spared sometime to think about what had happened in my life for 12 long months. As I try to reminisce every bit of detail, I found myself teary eyed to go back in time. Some good, others uhm… not so much.
This year has been really though for me. A lot of things just come and go in front of me that I have not been able to do something about. As much as I would like to make everything perfect, well I should probably just make me a fairytale to make it all happen, but of course that would be really stupid and suicidal. No, I am definitely not depressed, well not anymore. This is the first time I am going to talk about it, and actually the first time that I think I am comfortable takling about it without getting my nose all red and my eyes all poofed and soggy.
The last months of 2009 were like a battlefield everyday. It felt like I have to go and fight every single day for things that I wanted to do or wanted to have and keep, until I can’t even feel a single limb in my body that’s not aching. For one, I am very much not the kind of person who gives up without a good fight. Surrender is not a word existing in my life’s dictionary. Though, I have experienced a lot of failures this year that brought me down on my knees until it hurt so bad that I can’t do anything but cry.
To be honest, I am an obsessive compulsive, perfectionist that wants to take everything under control. I know that it sounds even more idiotic, but I am guilty of the fact. But this year, I have learned that playing God was hardcore. And there are times that you just have to let go. Surely that was easy to say, but I have learned the hard way – or maybe the hardest? I don’t know. But I think things have changed, though I still do believe that I am still the obsessive compulsive person I am, I am learning to aim less for perfection and just get on with everything one day at a time, accepting defeat and failure as a part of life and look up to them as a challenge for something better.
I have lost a lot of things this year… some I can take back…. most I can’t, and enumerating them would make the post endless. I have to let them all go. I am really not the person to give up on a lot of things, but there are times that you just have to stop and think if it’s all worth it. When you go out in the battlefield, you don’t just put yourself out there with no reason, you don’t just enter into a war and off to another. And when you actually decide to step out, it should be without expectations – win or lose, but just the courage and guts to fight, and the reason to keep on fighting. And when you find yourself all wounded at the end, it is ok to feel the pain of defeat and cry, but it is not the end of everything. Just give yourself some time to heal… and it will all be alright.
And after everything… the most important thing I have learned this year, is to think about the things I have gained and not about the things that I have lost.
What do you know? Maybe God is into facebook after all. 🙂