The First Heart Ache

The thing about love… it consumes you… all of you.

I really have never been used to getting hurt emotionally, I ‘was’ the strong one, the best support system you could ever find, but with the past few months – I needed my own, literally.

There are just things we learn and learn the hard way when we refuse to accept the realities of life, things we can’t let go off, things we curse, things we hide, things we wish we could have done and a lot more. And in my case, it was my obsessive compulsive behavior that has been hitting me hard. I have been used to always having it my way, and at some sort, ends in like a routine that I do everyday – and it is very hard for me to change, well not until now.

I remember how I try to avoid seeing friends and family when I can’t hold back my tears. I am not used to crying in front of other people, even my family. Often times I just let those heart-stabbing little drops of tears fall silently whenever I am alone. But this one was really the first heart ache I can’t hide. Among all things I know how to do, fixing a severely battered heart was not one of them. And I needed someone.

PM, for those who actually have no idea, is my eldest sister, and the one who comforted me all the way through. When it was her tough years, I have been there for her, and now she’s here for me. And because I know her personally, it wasn’t easy for her to be here for me. She wasn’t used to seeing me crying, or depressed, or sobbing, or just simply in silence. She was even trying to evade me whenever tears start to roll down my cheeks. She can’t stand the sight of this part of me. I was always the sunshine in every dark cloud, but that time, my pockets are all out of sunshine.

But I’m doing better now. I guess. Thanks to my blood’s clotting factors, the wounds are now healing, bit by bit. I have now accepted the fact that love isn’t about owning, nor about a feeling of happiness or pain, but simply the sum of all our choices.

Love consumes all of us… but whenever it is time to let go, refuting fate would be the biggest pain you’ll battle.

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Fresh Start

I’ve been to a lot, and heck I mean a lot. Time flies so fast I actually didn’t notice how long I have been wallowing on things that I have lost – all because I wasn’t ready to let go.

I don’t really know, I have learned a couple of things about myself that I never really thought would be a part of me, or, well… exactly me.

I don’t want to be specific anymore and get into every detail of what actually happened, that would seem to take forever, let’s just say that with all of that – I have learned.

I am actually the kind of person who bursts into laughter more often than I speak. I love to laugh. I love to smile. But time was so unexpected I found myself spending most of my time with my earphones plugged tightly on both ears not actually paying attention to my track list but just enjoying the fact of pure nothingness. For quite sometime I have submerged myself in silence, just pure silence without anything else. I don’t want to talk or neither listen. I just wanted to be with myself and sort things out without anybody else’s opinion… and I guess I have.

I actually thought that I have fast coping capabilities. It was easy for me to make decisions, if it’s a yes, then a Yes it is, if it’s a no, well then it would be a No. But then, how amazing can life be to actually test my decision making capabilities till the moment I saw myself standing still for more than four months or so – undecided.

Well.. it’s a fresh start for me. Enough of all that. For all the things that changed, i still want to keep the old me. I guess change can be good, there are just things we can’t keep, but there are things that will still remain… even if they are as good as memories. 🙂

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I’m back!

It’s been a hell of months since I came back. Though, it’s about time to write something here again. I have missed my old self. And I missed my blog too! 🙂

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goodbye

I know that my words will never be enough.

I know that our paths will not cross anymore.

I know that I will not be able to touch you again.

I know that I will never see you again.

I just couldn’t bare to see your eyes the way I did.

I can’t make them all go away.

Even if I wanted to.

I have to be strong.

I’ll let go.

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The thing about falling

I actually thought that I have fear of heights… but I guess what I fear is not how up high I was on thin air, but instead the thought about falling – worse undead.

Two years ago, I saw a very peculiar ladder placed beside this huge tree. From a far, I can’t help but to notice it. First, it was very tall and high, it will surely catch your eye. As I wonder about it or much off how it got there, I found myself moving closer and closer, my feet not noticing the tiny steps I was taking towards it. It was very odd. I reached out my hand to feel if it was real, and behold it was! It was solid. It was metal. It was cold and heavy. I can’t move it even a bit.

I stared at it for quite sometime, pondering on what I should do now that it was already there. And then I thought, “It’s a ladder right? Then I should climb it.” I was scared, I was afraid of heights my knees started to shake and my hands turned cold as ice with my heart pumping mad. I held on to it so tight my hands hurt but I grasped to it even tighter. But despite my fear, I decided to go up without anything but my subtle hands and curiosity of what awaits me up there.

But when I was just a step away from the top… with my body hanging on thin air and my hands holding tight to the strange stairs, I tripped…. I fell… but instead of hitting the ground… it was like a never ending fall… I guess I went to high.

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In a state of perplexity

Things are going wild as of this moment. A lot of things went by so fast I didn’t catch even the slightest glimpse. I am confused, I really don’t know what happened… Now things have gone worse… no, worst. And I don’t know what will happen next… and the truth is, I don’t want to think about it anymore. *sigh*

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Four Corners

the cube

It’s a wooden cube, but technically it’s not a rubix cube either…

see what I mean?

The mechanics is simple: Once you disassemble it, you should put it back together.

When I first saw this, I had no options other than to buy it. Honestly, my mind was going crazy when the saleslady handed it to me. I think it was really cool! haha But when I started to remove the plastic wrap all around it and the pieces started to get loose… the problem is, I found myself dumbfounded on how I’m supposed to fix it! LOL I was confused. >.<

Every twist and turn I tried and tried to make it look as the same wooden cube, but I think I ended up with all sorts of stuff that you can make out of it. I was very imaginative, I think I have made a car… a rock… and even an elephant… just trying everything I can, hoping somehow by chance it will end up with a cube. But sadly, I think I have made all sorts of stuff you can make out of it,

except….

except…

for a cube.

And then, I lost my last strand of patience, I almost threw it out the car window! Obviously, I was pissed. LOL

Though what is hilarious about it is, after a minute or two of rage, I just can’t find the strength to just let that stupid wooden cube stay as an obstacle to my poor neurons. I thought I just had to do it. And so I gathered all the patience I have in me and tried to learn how to fix it, starting again and again and again.

Whenever I would make a wrong turn with a piece or two, it was really frustrating, but my grip to it grew stronger and stronger each time I fail. I don’t give up – I never give up. I was interested, I wanted to know.

Surprisingly, and not miraculously, after an hour or two, I had figure it all out. With a snap of a finger, I can disassemble it then put it back together! I was happy when I had every piece landing on the right place, I was extremely happy! LOL

I think saying that just made me the weirdest human in this planet, but honestly I did felt a euphoric satisfaction… it was like I have solved the biggest mystery in the world! And then… and then… after the peak of my adrenaline, it all turned gray.

Now that I have figured out what lies hidden in its four corners, there is no mystery left for me to solve.

Now, it is nothing new.

Because I have encountered all the twists and turns you can make out of it, the satisfaction of fixing it over and over whenever it gets loose or tangled was not that ecstatic at all. Now, it is just a wooden cube. No matter how I want to be imaginative with it, wanting to make a car, a rock or an elephant… or whatever I can make out of it, I will always end up with a cube. And no matter how hard I try, it will always be the same old cube.

And then I thought, perhaps… it is just what it’s supposed to be.

the cube again

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