The thing about love… it consumes you… all of you.
I really have never been used to getting hurt emotionally, I ‘was’ the strong one, the best support system you could ever find, but with the past few months – I needed my own, literally.
There are just things we learn and learn the hard way when we refuse to accept the realities of life, things we can’t let go off, things we curse, things we hide, things we wish we could have done and a lot more. And in my case, it was my obsessive compulsive behavior that has been hitting me hard. I have been used to always having it my way, and at some sort, ends in like a routine that I do everyday – and it is very hard for me to change, well not until now.
I remember how I try to avoid seeing friends and family when I can’t hold back my tears. I am not used to crying in front of other people, even my family. Often times I just let those heart-stabbing little drops of tears fall silently whenever I am alone. But this one was really the first heart ache I can’t hide. Among all things I know how to do, fixing a severely battered heart was not one of them. And I needed someone.
PM, for those who actually have no idea, is my eldest sister, and the one who comforted me all the way through. When it was her tough years, I have been there for her, and now she’s here for me. And because I know her personally, it wasn’t easy for her to be here for me. She wasn’t used to seeing me crying, or depressed, or sobbing, or just simply in silence. She was even trying to evade me whenever tears start to roll down my cheeks. She can’t stand the sight of this part of me. I was always the sunshine in every dark cloud, but that time, my pockets are all out of sunshine.
But I’m doing better now. I guess. Thanks to my blood’s clotting factors, the wounds are now healing, bit by bit. I have now accepted the fact that love isn’t about owning, nor about a feeling of happiness or pain, but simply the sum of all our choices.
Love consumes all of us… but whenever it is time to let go, refuting fate would be the biggest pain you’ll battle.